For some reason, every kid is desperate to grow up. Then you do and you realize you were totally duped and wish to go back to nap time and recesses. Sure, I knew being a grown up wouldn’t be easy, but it’s not the big stuff that bugs me. I knew bills, taxes and random body pains (is it mandatory for your back to start hurting at 28?) would suck. But it’s the pesky crap that no one warns you about that makes you yearn for the good ole days when these magical gnomes, or in my case, Bonnie D would take care of most of these hardships.
FIVE SIMPLE ADULT TASKS THAT AREN’T SIMPLE AT ALL
1. Feeding Myself
I feel like this should not be such a hard task, but I often find the gathering of food extremely challenging. My evenings consist of this continual eternal debate between cooking and picking something up. Cut to 9PM and me enjoying the fine delicacies of a Lean Cuisine. Or a bowl of Raisin Brain. That’s when I’m really lazy and when I have fresh milk.
2. Ironing
It’s the absolute devil’s work and I basically refuse to participate in this satanic ritual. Thank goodness the tailored look doesn’t go with my curves.
3. Getting gas
I do not trust the gas tank monitoring system, so I truly believe that a quarter of a tank is empty. I’ve been told it is not, but I don’t trust it. Yet, I still hate getting gas. I know, technically, it only takes five minutes, but time stands still. And heaven forbid, I make eye contact with any of my neighboring pumpers because once I pull into a gas station, every person automatically looks shady to me. I could see Betty White filling up and I’d think Golden Girl herself looks “shifty.” And there’s always a small part of me that thinks the whole place is going to blow up the minute I grab the pump.
4. Keeping Up to Date with the News
Growing up, I remember desperately wanting to watch Wings reruns while my mom made dinner. She would insist on checking in with Peter Jennings to “see if the world blew up.” I always thought she could look out our window for that, but she had this Catholic school level guilt to watch the news. Now I’m not saying I do that, but I find myself always feeling inadequate on national, global or even local events. I try to stay up to date, but CNN refuses to report in GIF and Meme style ala Buzzfeed. Instead, I get the basic headlines and hope and pray no one asks for detailed explanations and move on with my life. Although, I could tell you in detail the interworking’s of the Kardashians’ love lives and I’m exactly what is wrong with America today.
5. Straightening Up
I know I have too much stuff. When I see a shirt I love I think, “let’s get that in two colors at least.” Margarita Mom Linda Davis taught me that. But I am confused how every evening and every morning, I find myself having to straighten up my apartment. Heavy cleaning is bad enough, but I put that off till the weekend. But this annoying, constant reshuffling and hiding of my essentials adds at least 1000 steps to my Fitbit daily count . I’m sure Oprah will tell me to declutter my life, but she’ll also release her favorite things and fill it right back up. Instead, I will keep hiding things in my closet and shoving things in my drawers, because I’m a grownup and that’s what we do.
FIVE SIMPLE ADULT TASKS THAT AREN’T SIMPLE AT ALL
1. Feeding Myself
I feel like this should not be such a hard task, but I often find the gathering of food extremely challenging. My evenings consist of this continual eternal debate between cooking and picking something up. Cut to 9PM and me enjoying the fine delicacies of a Lean Cuisine. Or a bowl of Raisin Brain. That’s when I’m really lazy and when I have fresh milk.
2. Ironing
It’s the absolute devil’s work and I basically refuse to participate in this satanic ritual. Thank goodness the tailored look doesn’t go with my curves.
3. Getting gas
I do not trust the gas tank monitoring system, so I truly believe that a quarter of a tank is empty. I’ve been told it is not, but I don’t trust it. Yet, I still hate getting gas. I know, technically, it only takes five minutes, but time stands still. And heaven forbid, I make eye contact with any of my neighboring pumpers because once I pull into a gas station, every person automatically looks shady to me. I could see Betty White filling up and I’d think Golden Girl herself looks “shifty.” And there’s always a small part of me that thinks the whole place is going to blow up the minute I grab the pump.
4. Keeping Up to Date with the News
Growing up, I remember desperately wanting to watch Wings reruns while my mom made dinner. She would insist on checking in with Peter Jennings to “see if the world blew up.” I always thought she could look out our window for that, but she had this Catholic school level guilt to watch the news. Now I’m not saying I do that, but I find myself always feeling inadequate on national, global or even local events. I try to stay up to date, but CNN refuses to report in GIF and Meme style ala Buzzfeed. Instead, I get the basic headlines and hope and pray no one asks for detailed explanations and move on with my life. Although, I could tell you in detail the interworking’s of the Kardashians’ love lives and I’m exactly what is wrong with America today.
5. Straightening Up
I know I have too much stuff. When I see a shirt I love I think, “let’s get that in two colors at least.” Margarita Mom Linda Davis taught me that. But I am confused how every evening and every morning, I find myself having to straighten up my apartment. Heavy cleaning is bad enough, but I put that off till the weekend. But this annoying, constant reshuffling and hiding of my essentials adds at least 1000 steps to my Fitbit daily count . I’m sure Oprah will tell me to declutter my life, but she’ll also release her favorite things and fill it right back up. Instead, I will keep hiding things in my closet and shoving things in my drawers, because I’m a grownup and that’s what we do.
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