Eight Weird Things that Have Happened to Me Flying
1. OshKosh B'gosh Gate
I know security is important and I understand that I was a very intimidating looking four-year-old (see photo insert). Even before 9/11, security seemed a bit perplexing. Minding my own business, I strutted through the metal detector in the latest fall OshKosh B’gosh floral overalls when threat level RED alarms went off. I was quickly whisked away to a side room for a patdown while Bonnie D screamed, “My baby!” I was deemed not a threat to national security and returned to my family. I have not worn overalls since, which is really not much of a loss.
2. The Date
1st dates are normally disasters. First dates on a plane, that seems scarier than snakes on a plane. Like Rihanna says, “We found love in a hopeless place,” well almost. Here’s the meet cute. The guy next to me and I were both watching the movie. He would comment during interesting moments while we dined on a surprisingly edible steak salad. He voiced his frustration when they cut it off at a pivotal moment. And at the end of the film he summed it up to me by saying, “it was pretty good.” Twenty minutes later, he interrupted my GoGo Wi-Fi 30,000 feet online shopping session by wanting to discuss the film. All I could think was, “Dude, this isn't a date.” Then I quickly went over the facts in my head. We shared a meal, saw a film and now we're discussing the finer points of the cinematic experience. Not only was it kind of a date, but it was my best one of 2013. Sadly, I never got the guy's name, but we will always have Row 4 Seat C and D.
3. The Driscolls
In the one year traveling with Devin to Fordham, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned to travel with protein bars and never wear heals after one "I swear if you’re wearing heels I'm leaving you in this terminal" airport dash. Once this nice couple, who had that “we met at a Renaissance fair look” about them, boarded the plane with matching newlywed hats and sweatshirts. Their bliss was contagious to everyone but Devin. The flight attendant congratulated them over the loud speaker and everyone clapped and Devin reached for the barf bag. As we deboarded, the same flight attendant pulled us aside and said, “Don’t think I forgot about you two either, congratulations.” Devin shocked and horrified about being mistaken as a newlywed with his sister, went silent. I, always looking for a compliment and any freebies that could accompany it, thanked her which shocked Devin more into yelling, “We’re from Tennessee, but we’re not that Southern.”
4. Bend Over
Traveling is great. Seeing new places. Sharing new experiences. Making Memories. But let’s be honest, it can wreak havoc to your insides. For that reason, I travel with all sorts of emergency supplies. But I’m always good about not bringing liquids, so I was surprised when TSA pulled my bag. When he yanked out the offending item, I hear Bonnie D gasp, “Oh My God.” She abandons me in an uncontrollable fit of laughter because the TSA agent is holding up a new Fleet enema. I tell him to get rid of it. He asks, “Are you sure Ma’am, you could check it?” In that moment, the only place I wanted to stick that enema was in the TSA agent or the deserting Bonnie D. I did not check it.
5. Divorce Drive
One morning I woke up in the South of France and I went to bed in an airport hotel in Atlanta. To say my life had taken a dark turn was an understatement. After delays in purgatory, otherwise known as JFK Airport, I was stuck in Atlanta for the night. I boarded the airport shuttle with one blissed out newlywed couple. Then a yelling businessman forced himself onto the van. He screamed into his phone, “I wasn’t with her. I didn’t even see her.” This just got interesting. Then one final bomb, “We aren’t getting divorced while I’m stuck in an airport shuttle.” The honeymooners untangled themselves from each other and I was stuck in the middle of the Circle of Love. We rode the rest of the way to the Comfort Inn in silence.
Flying out of LA, I often see the oversized sunglasses and pulled down hats signaling a celebrity. A blonde, that after a quick Google search informed me she was 70s sitcom star, Loni Anderson, slid into the seat next to me. Like I do with everyone, I told her I had a dog with me. She asked my name and Maddie’s. She leaned down to Maddie’s bag and sweetly said, “Hi, Maddie. I’m Loni.” She then called her husband and listed all the people in our cabin. “There’s Rick Fox and Eliza Dushku. And I’m sitting next to a lovely redhead, Molly, and pretty blonde, Maddie.” That kook won my heart and she made me promise to remember her for any mom parts I wrote. I agreed and because she was so nice to Maddie, I didn’t even mention that maybe Grandma would be a better part.
Once I was sandwiched with Evander Holyfield in front of me and Diesel himself, Kevin Nash, in the row behind me. I thought, “Terrorist bring it. We got this.” Almost on cue, my two bodyguards guzzled down some red wine and sleep aides and both were knocked unconscious. I went from presidential level protection to having two passed out German shepherds. It did give me a good opportunity to check out Holyfield’s ear. I couldn’t find where Tyson made him a human snack pack. He did have a matching Louis Vuitton Damier print carry-on to my Damier speedy bag. Knockout taste Holyfield.
8. Up Chuck Offended
Something’s are worse in your head than in reality. I always thought puking on a plane would be bad, but it was actually worse. After catching the stomach bug from hell somewhere from security to boarding, I spent most of a cross-country flight hurling in the bathroom. When I asked the flight attendant for a ginger ale, she asked me if I could be pregnant. It’s amazing how quickly one goes from nauseous to offended.
If you are traveling this holiday season, I hope it is a peaceful journey. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!