I should be able to trick a dog, right?
BUSTED!!!! The crazy eyed dictator caught me.
This is Maddie.
She’s eights pounds.
This is me.
I’m…. well, I’m of the belief that I’d rather sink with the Titanic than reveal my weight, but it’s an accurate statement to say I’m more than eight pounds.
Every night I start off like this: warm and safe in my luxurious Sherpa blanket.
Then because I live with a small evil mastermind, this is how the night ends.
I've realized I’m living a live action version of "Pinky and the Brain," but the eight-pound Maltipoo is Brain.
There was only one thing left to do. Revenge plot. Maddie holds one thing more precious than anything/one in this world. Me, you think? Awah, that’s sweet, but the bitch won't even let me have my blanket.
So I’ll get squirrel. Maybe have a little television snuggle with her trusty stuff-less companion and let Maddie feel the pain of her constant betrayal.
I should be able to trick a dog, right?
BUSTED!!!! The crazy eyed dictator caught me.
At least I have that new white blanket in my bedroom
I should just be happy that I’m still allowed in my bed.
My Miss Maddie turned nine today and it got me thinking. Who really is the owner in this relationship?
Five Times when Maddie was the QUEEN.
1. Her Living Arrangements
I live in a one-bedroom apartment, so fittingly there’s only one queen size bed. Yet, if you did a quick scavenger hunt for dog beds you would find not one or two, but four. FOUR DOG BEDS in a one-bedroom apartment. Oh and she sleeps in “My” bed with me most nights. And at nine pounds, she’s also kind of a blanket hog. I often wake up clinging to the side of the bed. Clearly, she actually has FIVE dog beds.
2. Her Diet.
I have already written about my struggle with the simple task of feeding myself. So I’m clearly not always eating organic like Dr. Oz or every magazine is trying to shame me into. But don’t worry, Maddie is. I make sure I get her the purest holistic non-wheat dog food. It’s still kibble, though, because I don’t even cook some nights. If I start grilling chicken for Maddie, I might as well just list myself as one of her dependents.
3. Her Name
A golden retriever named Molly lived next door to my grammar school. She was a complete flight risk. Molly would pull a Shawshank Redemption and we’d spend our recesses running after her, calling her name. I accepted early on I had dog’s name, at least it wasn’t a street drug. But, wait. Having a dog’s name isn’t even that bad, but it can be a problem at the vet’s office. No matter how many times I tell my vet, he seems convinced that I’m Maddie and the Maltipoo is Molly. “What kind of flee treatment are you using for Molly?” “I’m not sure. Does Frédéric Fekkai make a shampoo for that?”
4. Her Travel Arrangements
When my dad and I book my travel arrangements for Madison Media Works (Aka Maddie’s Namesake) there is one primary concern. Is Maddie coming with me? If yes, I get an automatic upgrade. This nine-pound Maltipoo is better than having Delta Platinum level. Also we try to make sure we get the best connections because Maddie doesn’t do long layovers. To her credit, she’s an excellent traveler, but wouldn’t we all be if we flew like Maddie.
5. Her Blowouts
I love a good drybar, but I would never sign up for a standing appointment because it’s only for special occasions. Maddie has a standing every two-week grooming appointment. Being a Maltipoo, she has combination hair (curly from the Poodle and straight form the Maltese.) The girl needs her blowout. And her hair’s got to look good for her custom Chanel ribbon bows I make her. That sentence alone might be a cry for help.
I guess Maddie and I are like Tony Danza and that Blonde chick in the classic sitcom, “Who’s the Boss?” Minus the sexual tension, because, don’t be weird. I know Cesar would shame me for not being clear that I’m the boss, but I love my little Diva. She’s my constant companion, my protector and the best purchase I ever made. Even better than my Chanel bag and that my friends is saying something. Happy Birthday to the Queen, Miss Maddie.
Of course I am thankful for my health, loving family and fabulous friends this holiday season. But I am also thankful for God’s little gifts. The one that might be considered silly or superficial, but truly make my life better.
1. PADDED SPIN SHORTS
I commend the girls who spin away in booty shorts, but I’m also not entirely sure they aren’t aliens. Me, I would be bowlegged for a week, sitting on a donut while WebMDing hemorrhoids, but good for them.
I once proclaimed Uber was the best thing since Jesus and I might stick by this statement. Whether it’s rescuing Emily Welsh and me on the side of the road on our way to Palm Springs or simply crating Patrick and me to Weho, Uber has become as sweet a sound as the name “Maddie.”
3. TORY BURCH FLATS
I love a good pair of heels when all I have to do is make a fabulous entrance and then proceed to sit through an event. But, unfortunately, my life is not one series of step in repeats. Actually it’s no step and repeats, but I refuse to just fashionably throw in the towel and strap on some Aerosols, or God forbid, Crocs. So, instead, Tory designed shoes for us to look polished yet comfortable all night long. I, for one, think that should count towards one of the three miracles required for sainthood.
4. CAMELBAK WATER BOTTLES
Drinking water didn’t seem like a particularly hard task until I found out I was doing totally wrong and wasting so much energy. Now when I’m forced to pour water down my throat instead of simply biting, it’s like “God, this is so hard.”
5. DVR, ON-DEMAND, SLINGBOX ETC
Some people are cutting their cable. I added a slingbox to my parents DVR in Knoxville. I didn’t do this to cut back on cable costs. No, I still have a hefty individual cable bill for my two DVRS in my one bedroom apartment. Instead, this gives me the option to watch the East Coast feed, if I don’t want to wait the excruciating extra three hours. Clearly, cutting cable seems like "cutting the cord" to me.
6. CHANEL WALLET ON THE CHAIN (WOC)
Yes, it is ridiculous overly priced. Since I locked eyes with my caviar leather baby, in the sacred walls of Coco’s original store in Paris, every other bag has been benched. Sure, they still get some playing time, but the WOC is now the franchise player. And unlike Kobe, this one’s retirement is nowhere near approaching. Holding my cash, credit cards, iPhone, keys and a lip-gloss, the WOC is the definition of elegant minimalism.
7. MY ADULT COLORING BOOK
Whenever I say this, people automatically think porn and I say, "get your mind out of the gutter.' What makes my coloring book for the mature audience has nothing to do with the subject matter, but simply the intricacy of the artwork. If you think coloring ended with naptime, I challenge you to bust out the Crayolas and enjoy.
8. MEME GENERATOR APP
When I make personalized memes for Whitney Neil, she literally thinks I’m the funniest person ever. I get back lots of capitalized letter responses filled with explanation marks. It’s nice and self-reaffirming.
9. MY CHAIR
If I’m not sleeping or working, I’m probably in my La-Z-Boy. When I first bought this mecca of comfort, La-Z-Boy was running a sale “Every Man needs a Chair.” I ignored this clearly sexiest attitude and changed this slogan to “Every man and Molly needs a chair.”
10. iPhone, iPad, iMac anything with an “i”
There are very few hours when I’m not touching an Apple product. Most nights I fall asleep clutching my iPad Mini. That might be one of the sadder sentences of this blog, but true. Can you really imagine life before Steve Jobs' products stole all of our attention? I guess we’d read more and have full conversations devoid of emoticons. Ohhh, the good ole days.
In all seriousness, life without these creature comforts would be possible although bleak. Yet, life without my friends and family is simply unimaginable, so thank you for the continual love, support and putting up with my ramblings. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also I added an email subscription to this blog because we all just don't get enough email. Please subscribe if you'd like to be updated with my ramblings. Thanks!
I’m not sure if it was the Cathy cartoons in the 80s, Ally McBeal in the 90s or Liz Lemon in the 2000s, but every single girl at some point fears becoming a crazy cat lady. Except Taylor Swift. She seems to totally own the whole cat thing. But then again she’s Taylor Swift. She can buy and sell the world, so I guess at this point being a cat lady isn’t a big deal. And, normally, I’m more like Taylor on the whole “I don’t give an ‘F’ I’m gunna instagram the crap out of my pet” attitude. Yet lately I have found myself worrying about my cat lady status. Below are my top moments when I’ve worried I might becoming a crazy cat lady. In no particular order because, frankly, they are all a bit sad.
1. The night I spent four hours making dog bows. Granted it was a Wednesday in the summer aka TV Wasteland, and I was using Chanel ribbon, but still a possible red flag. Actually, the fact that I was using Chanel ribbon to make dog bows is even more of a red flag.
2. One time I returned to LA after a long visit to Knoxville and my UPS man check up on me because he had nothing to deliver in weeks. This was alarming for several reasons.
4. My fondness for my maintenance man. I even asked him about his retirement plans. I think our time lines sync perfectly, so that when I am ready to buy a house, he’ll be ready to retire…. in my guesthouse. He seemed totally cool with this idea. To be fair, I’m not entirely sure he understands me, but he smiled a lot.
5. My habit of walking Maddie while in my robe. At first I thought, if anything, people might think that I have a very Hugh Hefner type lifestyle. Until I saw the resident crazy lady walking her dog in her moo moo and I started to worry. I’m still not sure what one is supposed to wear in the early morning/evening to fight a chill while walking his or her dog. Some might say a jacket, but a jacket with pajamas, that just seems silly.
6. Any time I go to the grocery store at night on the weekends and am surrounded by college students. My Raisin Brain next to their Natty Light on the checkout line makes me sad for both of us. And the Future of America, but that's a whole another story.
7. I bought a gorgeous new TV recently and right before I could drive off into the sunset with Sony, the Best Buy guy asked, “You do have someone to help you unload this right?” Finding this to be a Beyoncé “Single Ladies” Feminist type moment, I lied and said “Of, course.” It turns out that the two-person icon on the box was not merely a suggestion, but a requirement. The night ended with me covered in bruises and asking out loud “God, why don’t you want me to have nice things?” I later got help and I am happy to say Sony and I have had many fond nights together. That sentence itself could be another reason.
8. And finally, the fact that I spent two hours last night making/photographing Maddie’s "Arrow" Themed Halloween Costume.
So maybe it is a lost cause. Maybe I am destined to be a crazy cat lady walking Maddie in my robe. But as my fellow Cat lady soul sister Taylor would say, “I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off, I shake it off.”
Writer, TV Fanatic, Fashion Lover, Crazy Dog Owner, Laker Fan and Daydreamer.