Six Things I'd Ditch with my Humanity Switched Off
1.Ditch the Cart
After I load the last grocery bag into my trunk, the distance between the cart drop-off and me somehow now rivals a 5K. Of course, I begrudgingly push my cart back because I am a good citizen of the world and not some Satan worshiper who leaves their cart in the prime spot you want to park in. With my switch flipped, though, I am ditching that cart to the tune of Tom Petty’s “Free Falling.”
2. Ditch the Customary Text
We all do it. Either we totally forget about a text or just plain ignore it. Unfortunately we have a conscience, we feel obligated to send some courtesy “I’m just seeing this, just got out of work or my bad for being MIA” text. Without humanity, you cut out all of that and simply respond with “what’s up.” No explanation. Just I’m here now and you are welcome.
3. Ditch the Early Merge
When I see a lane is closed ahead of me I do two things. 1. Freak out because “oh my God, my precious route has been compromised.” 2. Try as quickly as possible to merge, while acquiring new sweat rings on my t-shirt. Now, without my pesky humanity, I’m that girl who flies up the open lane and then merges at the last minute. That girl saves time and probably has a dry shirt. A plus side to no humanity is no more prescription strength deodorant because nerves…what nerves?
4. Ditch the Apologizing.
I am not suggesting a full Kayne level apology boycott, but with the switch flipped, I definitely would stop saying sorry to inanimate objects. I bump into things a lot and I find myself apologizing to trees, trashcans, doors etc. Also, if we are giving out vampire abilities, maybe I could get their speed. I am really clumsy.
5. Ditch the Pass on Crowded Elevators
The elevator doors open wide revealing a crowded car. Now, of course, even though I have places to go I wait for the next one. Without that pesky humanity voice inside my head, I’m strolling on to that crowded elevator. And, hey my humanity’s off, I might as well blast my music on my iPod headphones.
6. Ditch the Poop Bag
My Maltipoo, Maddie, loves to drop a deuce and then run away, basically pinning the poop on me. I, of course, pick it up with my California approved recyclable poop bag. And one particularly ingenious time, when I ran out of bags and used an oversized leaf. I always run across Maddie size poops, so clearly plenty of people have flipped their humanity switch when it comes to dog defecating manners.
Honestly, we have probably seen people do all of these annoying habits. We wrote them off as jerks or selfish A-holes, when we are clearly in some vampire without their humanity epidemic. So next time someone cuts you off or doesn’t take her cart back, remember she's got bigger problems. She's probably a soulless vampire. That’s got to be it, right?