I was relatively late to Instagram, but I do like it.  There’s a thrill in seeing how many of those heart “likes” you can collect and seeing how celebrities really are “just like us.”   Sometimes, though, as I scroll through my feed, I’m struck with an overwhelming fear. “I might not be cool enough for this.”

1. The Mirror Selfie
It might be a sign of the apocalypse, but let’s all agree that the Selfie isn’t going anywhere.  Even your Nana can snap a face Selfie, disturbing but true.  The real art seems to be the casual mirror Selfie.  Extra points if you use mirror-like objects like hip storefront windows for your snap.  When trying to send my mom a particular “top outfit choice,” I have tried to snap one of these coveted mirror shots.  It does not work.  Instead, I end up with one of these three looks:  looking down five chins never eat again Selfie, phone blocking my whole face/chest Selfie, or the really spot on gorgeous Selfie of my ceiling.
2. The Black and White
My Mom’s words of wisdom have a way of haunting me.  One of Bonnie D’s pearls particularly ruins my Instagram potential: “Black and White photos are not for Redheads. We’re made for Color.”  Those lasting words prohibit me from ever being labeled artsy, thoughtful or deep because we all know nothing shows depth like a black and white photo.   
3. FoodPorn
I hate when my food comes out before my fellow dinner companion and I’m forced to be polite and not dig into my entrée like wild animal. Needless to say, I never think to snap a quick pic of my food before indulging.  Even worse, is if I had to think of a clever caption and hashtag.  That food would be colder than ice.  Let’s be honest. There’s nothing instant about being witty on social media.  I’m not even sure anyone’s actually eating these meals.   I propose a new hashtag.  #OwnItWednesday, where people take pictures of what they actually eat in a day.  I’m talking the scoops of peanut butter you suck down over the sink.  Instead of seeing Farmer Market Veggies, I want to see a nice zapped bag of microwaved mixed veggies. #OwnItWednesday.
4. Speaking of Hashtags
For some reason, all the hashtags on Instagram are like those Magic Eyes books from the 90s.   I see something different when I look at them.  #WCW:  Failed Wrestling Company.  #MCM:  I know it’s a “C” but I continually read this as MGM, so I flash to that roaring lion every time.   I initially think #SMH is a University somehow affiliated with Southern Methodist.  Then there’s the  #TBT and #FBF.  Why don’t we all just agree that the “Sunscreen Song” was right.  We all do look so much better in old pictures than we thought and just post them anytime we want.  You don’t have to create #MLM (Memory Lapse Monday ™ Molly Driscoll) if you want to relive your glory days when your youthful existence was the best filter of all.
5. Quotes
I love a good quote.  I used to keep a journal of them but I never think to “gram ‘em.” Mostly because I was falsely led to believe Instagram was for photos of people, which it is NOT.   The perfect Instagram quote is specific enough to allude to your mood, but vague enough to beg the question, “what ‘s going on with her?”  Also, you need to find a gorgeous sunset, ocean or sky shot to occupy said quote.   Now you’re officially Instagram Interesting.
6. FOMO
It’s Friday night.  My sweats are on.  I’ve released the ladies from the prison known as a wired bra and I’m in heaven.  Until I see a group shot of my friends, friends of friends, or celebrities who I subconsciously believe are my friends, having the time of their lives or so they claim. In reality, they probably are super jealous of my wireless bra and elastic waist pants, but cheers to being young and free.  Anyway, once I see those smiling faces through a flattering filter, my apartment morphs from a fortress of solitude to a shame suite.  Maybe this is when I should load a quote?  

Now I must go and load the picture of this blog to my Instagram account.  That might not help my cause, but hey #YOLO.  

For some reason, every kid is desperate to grow up.  Then you do and you realize you were totally duped and wish to go back to nap time and recesses.  Sure, I knew being a grown up wouldn’t be easy, but it’s not the big stuff that bugs me.   I knew bills, taxes and random body pains (is it mandatory for your back to start hurting at 28?) would suck.  But it’s the pesky crap that no one warns you about that makes you yearn for the good ole days when these magical gnomes, or in my case, Bonnie D would take care of most of these hardships. 

FIVE SIMPLE ADULT TASKS THAT AREN’T SIMPLE AT ALL
 
1. Feeding Myself
I feel like this should not be such a hard task, but I often find the gathering of food extremely challenging.  My evenings consist of this continual eternal debate between cooking and picking something up.  Cut to 9PM and me enjoying the fine delicacies of a Lean Cuisine.  Or a bowl of Raisin Brain.  That’s when I’m really lazy and when I have fresh milk.

2. Ironing
It’s the absolute devil’s work and I basically refuse to participate in this satanic ritual.  Thank goodness the tailored look doesn’t go with my curves.

3. Getting gas
 I do not trust the gas tank monitoring system, so I truly believe that a quarter of a tank is empty.  I’ve been told it is not, but I don’t trust it.   Yet, I still hate getting gas.  I know, technically, it only takes five minutes, but time stands still.  And heaven forbid, I make eye contact with any of my neighboring pumpers because once I pull into a gas station, every person automatically looks shady to me.  I could see Betty White filling up and I’d think Golden Girl herself looks “shifty.”  And there’s always a small part of me that thinks the whole place is going to blow up the minute I grab the pump. 

4. Keeping Up to Date with the News
Growing up, I remember desperately wanting to watch Wings reruns while my mom made dinner.  She would insist on checking in with Peter Jennings to “see if the world blew up.”  I always thought she could look out our window for that, but she had this Catholic school level guilt to watch the news.  Now I’m not saying I do that, but I find myself always feeling inadequate on national, global or even local events. I try to stay up to date, but CNN refuses to report in GIF and Meme style ala Buzzfeed.   Instead, I get the basic headlines and hope and pray no one asks for detailed explanations and move on with my life.  Although, I could tell you in detail the interworking’s of the Kardashians’ love lives and I’m exactly what is wrong with America today. 

5. Straightening Up
I know I have too much stuff.  When I see a shirt I love I think, “let’s get that in two colors at least.”  Margarita Mom Linda Davis taught me that.  But I am confused how every evening and every morning, I find myself having to straighten up my apartment.   Heavy cleaning is bad enough, but I put that off till the weekend.  But this annoying, constant reshuffling and hiding of my essentials adds at least 1000 steps to my Fitbit daily count .   I’m sure Oprah will tell me to declutter my life, but she’ll also release her favorite things and fill it right back up.   Instead, I will keep hiding things in my closet and shoving things in my drawers, because I’m a grownup and that’s what we do.